So as we go into this like 9th month since the World Health Organization declared the Covid-19 virus on the level of a global pandemic and everywhere essentially went into lockdown, quarantine, or both, one of the first thoughts to cross my mind back in March was “damn, I hope I’ll still get to go home for Christmas.”
Fast forward to the week of week of Christmas, and here we are still stuck in Toronto, Canada, while Trinidad and Tobago's borders are still basically closed, and I’m missing my first ever Christmas with my family in 23 years on this earth, being stuck abroad and having to experience my first white Christmas in over a decade, all on my own.
I remember my mom offered to call me and walk through some home recipes for dishes we typically eat around Christmas back home.
I still had some frozen pastels (a Spanish inspired steamed cornmeal type pie, with different savoury fillings ranging from beef, chicken, fish and more that we typically eat around Christmas time back home) in the freezer, but it'd been over a year since I had a freshly made one.
Other things I was missing, like the Sorrel, the Christmas Ham, the oven-baked lamb, the fresh bread, the peardrax drink that always tasted extra nice around the holidays, and of course, the pastels, but so too the process of making them with my mom, granny, my aunt and sister.
Special mention, having my mom pull out the extra nice plates and cutlery for Christmas lunch, and my dog Prince who would always have a full belly from Christmas left overs too.
Coming from a Caribbean background, I've grown up in a pretty tight knit family environment, so to miss the biggest family come together/celebration of the year, that being Christmas, and instead having to spend it in my extremely uncomfortable and borderline toxic apartment with my roommate, locked in my room the entire week and basically having no will to get anything done during the holidays, it was not easy.
2020 was already one of, if not the toughest year I've had to go through, in terms of academics, homesickness, my mental and physical health and the day to day uncertainty just to name a few things, and to not get to see my family at the end of everything, when all I really wanted was them given how unkind the year was, a girl was sad, she was really upset. She was me.
In addition, I'm a gift-giver. I would definitely say my love language, is a tie between quality time and gift giving, so you already know I was down bad.
I didn't even do a smidge of gift shopping until the end of December, which is something I always look forward to around the holidays, or anytime because I just love to give gifts.
My family tried to make it as easy for me as they possibly could. Calling me during the family breakfast we would always have Christmas morning prior to opening presents, featuring some freshly baked ham, baked bread, pastels and of course, some tea, because if it's one thing Caribbean people could consume, its tea. ☕️
I'd even started my own little tradition since going abroad, rocking some festive headwear with my sister.
But unfortunately I couldn't do that, couldn't even send anything back to my family because I had held out on the possibility and hope of going back home to the very end that by the time reality had hit me, nothing I sent would've reached in time for Christmas Day.
The way the day itself, December 25th - Christmas Day started off, was so dull, non-festive and grey compared to years prior.
I spent the majority of my morning just anticipating calls from family and friends abroad, and sending calls out myself, but it was in the solitude of my room for most of the time.
There were some ups to the day however, and I wasn't dull and gloomy the entire time.
Given the fact that I wasn't the only international student stuck abroad, and that I had a few friends who lived just across the street who were also stuck abroad, I know you've heard about Friendsgiving, but we took it upon ourselves to have a ✨Friendsmas✨
Your girl made a mean lasagna, while my friends brought an array of foods, some chicken, some yams with a marshmallow topping, even some sorrel and more. Everything couldn't even fit on one plate.
One of my friends even brought Christmas headpieces similar to the ones that my sister and I would always wear, and it was just those small things that made all the difference.
They brought one of their roommates over who also had never experienced a Caribbean-esque Christmas, so there was even some culture mixing.
It was so different to any other Christmas I'd had before, but just the fact that I got to do something during Christmas that wasn't in solitude, I was so grateful.
Plus I got my Christmas wish, my roommate wasn't home for most of the day which made me just a smidge more comfortable and I was able to really embrace the time spent with my friends.
We had a little gift exchange after and it was really sweet, and it really helped balance out those lows I was experiencing earlier in the day.
Unfortunately, the day came to an early end in the evening, because once we were done eating and sharing gifts, everyone returned home after organizing their left overs and it was back to that sad, lonely feeling.
The days that followed weren't too bad, I even got a small burst of Christmas spirit to put together some gifts for friends that were nearby.
My advice to anyone who's had to spend their holidays alone, is that the first time you have to do it, will be the hardest definitely.
It's the first time you're breaking that subconscious tradition. It is not easy being in a foreign country, no matter how long you've been, by yourself, and worse yet if you come from a close family background.
I want to say it might get easier overtime, but the first time definitely sucked for me at least.
The days that followed weren't too bad, for a moment it felt like a regular week, and then the lead up to New Year's Eve and Day hit me with the homesickness again like a ton of bricks, even harder that missing Christmas did.
On Ole Year's Night (a.k.a New Year's Eve as it's usually called back home) my family and I would always prepare some shareable dishes. My dad usually prepares some seafood based dishes, like some mussels in this dreamy creamy sauce and my sister always takes it upon herself to test out her culinary skills. (She made a really good stuffed mushroom dish one year.).
That paired with a bottle or two of wine and some glasses to clink once the clock struck midnight, we would all go up to the rooftop deck of my house, which overlooked my neighborhood and area, providing a clear view for the fireworks show, like the one below from ringing in 2020.
I didn't see a single firework on December 31st, 2020, and almost fell asleep before the clock turned to midnight on January 1st, 2021.
While I had the company of some friends for Christmas, for New Year's Eve I was entirely by myself. I won't lie, it was a pretty sad-ass way to start off the new year.
One of my best friends from back home and I were on FaceTime for most of the night which was nice to still have that familiar face.
That paired with a New Year's treat box I bought from another friend's business, it softened the blow initially.
My mom called later that night as well, and it was just nice to hear her voice, along with my dad, my sister and my granny all wishing me happy new year and vice versa. I held in the tears for Christmas, but for New Years, everything came flooding down.
As an overly sentimental person, someone who loves making memories, and just like the usual everyday person who enjoys the company of their family and friends, it was the most lonely and alone I'd felt since coming to Canada. The homesickness came to fight that day, and knocked me out. Straight KO.
It just hurt to see everyone all over social media, even people who were stuck abroad have people to ring in the new year with, and here I was in my uncomfortable apartment just ready to sleep so the day would fast forward and it'd be over.
My sad feelings aside, one of closest friends I met in Toronto did keep me company over FaceTime for most of the morning after the clock struck 12.
While it was virtual, the company was still nice, and I'm so grateful for him, especially since I know he isn't as sentimental as me when it comes to these holiday seasons.
The 2020 into 2021 holiday season was really tough for me I have to say. I know I'm not the only one, this one was TOUGH. Especially since that for some of us, it was our first time missing it.
I don't know if I can offer the best advice with how to deal with feeling sad, lonely and homesick over the holidays as an international student, especially if you've been fortunate to still be able to return home for those special occasions in the past.
This was a big learning experience for me, given it was the first time dealing with this type of change, and I wouldn't particularly say I handled it in a good, or a bad way.
My primary focus was just getting through the main days and those that followed, and trying to find ways to make time feel like it was passing by faster. I tried sleeping at random times during the day, watching episodes of shows that were over an hour long so that it would feel like the time was going by faster, but that didn't really help me.
I want to say, try reaching out to other people who may be going through the same thing, or something similar as you.
Come together, even if you're all sad. You can be sad together, you can have someone to speak with. The silence of being on your own around times like these can be deafening.
Just having someone to talk to can make all the difference. Even if it's virtual.
There's a high chance you're not the only one experiencing it. COVID has brought so much inconsistency, concern, and overall confusion for both international and domestic students.
Who knows if I'll be able to return home for Christmas for 2021, but I don't even want to start thinking about that.
Finding healthy ways to distract yourself can be helpful, but don't forget to acknowledge how you're feeling. My mistake was pushing aside how sad I felt the entire season and then having a full breakdown by New Year's.
It is frustrating, it's sad, and nothing is wrong with feeling that way.
If you need to cry, cry.
Call your family, reach out to friends.
Don't isolate yourself and go through the works all on your own!
Even virtual company can make all the difference, trust me. Zoom doesn't just have to be for school!